Let’s talk… surrogacy

In this weeks let’s talk I’m talking to Anon* about her parenthood journey! Anon is currently pregnant with a surrogate baby. I found it very hard to find a surrogate mothers point of view and especially it being a UK based surrogacy.

So mama, you’re a mum to two girls and currently pregnant however this isn’t your child is it?

I have a 13 year old and a 2 year old, this pregnancy I’m a gestational surrogate for two dad’s. Gestational means that the egg is not my own (which would be traditional surrogacy). The boys best friend was their egg donor! Im essentially an oven for their bun.

How did you start the surrogacy process? How did it become into your life?

I first looked into egg donation but I wasn’t allowed to sign up at that point as I was still breastfeeding my youngest. I joined some surrogacy groups on Facebook and the heartbreaking stories there made me want to do it. I had a miscarriage before my youngest and feel so lucky to have conceived easily afterwards and figure my womb works so I can use it to help others have a baby.

Has it affected your family? I can imagine that like every pregnancy it’s a huge change.

Every one loves the boys (the dads), my husband and eldest daughter are totally on board and supportive of the whole thing. My youngest is obviously too young to fully understand but she knows mummy is growing a baby for them and seems excited! Obviously the pregnancy symptoms can affect my family but we do what we can to limit it.

Is this a paid surrogacy? Do you get expenses reimbursed?

Profiting from surrogacy is illegal in the UK, but the intended parents must cover all expenses. This is anything from time off work, travel costs, childcare, maternity clothes, convenience food etc. The government guidelines also recommends you budget for things like a cleaner, treats for children (to make up for time away/things I can’t manage) and a modest recuperation break after the birth. I believe expenses in the UK average 8k-20k.

Do you keep in close contact with the parents and follow the journey with them?

I speak to the boys every day! We’re good friends and plan to stay in contact after the birth.

Will they attend the birth?

Of course they will be there- it’s their baby! I’m hoping for a water birth like I had with my youngest and the current plan is one of the dad’s will come into the pool at the end so he can have first hold.

What’re you plans for after surrogacy?

I’m having some time off work to recover, and I’m hoping to pump milk for the baby too. If everything goes well it would be nice to do a sibling journey for the boys in a couple of years.

Is there much support for surrogate mothers?

The surrogacy Facebook groups are fantastic help. I get the same medical care as and other pregnant lady.

Have you faced any judgement from people? Any shocked faces?

As I’m not 12 weeks yet I haven’t formally announced, although I’m fairly open about it so alot of my friends/colleagues know. Most people just have lots of questions (the most common one being do I get paid!) Years ago when I mentioned I would be a surrogate someone told me it was really selfish because I would be rising my life to do something I wanted to do and could leave my children without a mother. Obviously there are risks, surrogates have died due to pregnancy complications but I’m sure it’s more likely that I’d die in a car crash.

Favourite part of this experience?

So far, seeing the boys reactions when we’ve seen the baby on a scan and heard the heartbeat! Hopefully the next 32 week’s go smoothly and I can see them meet their baby!

You can get help and support from the following;

• London Women’s Clinic
• Surrogacy UK
• All things Surrogacy

*Name hidden to give her privacy however you can follow her on Instagram @extreme_babysitting (is that or is that not hilariously clever).

Let’s talk about… adoption

Mothers come in all shapes and size so I’m introducing a new section of my blog to raise awareness to the different types of mums and other topics to support parents.

This week I spoke to my lovely friend Jane* who is a mother to L** and married to George. She’s never kept it a secret and talks openly how she didn’t birth her child. Last year only 3% of children in the system were adopted so I was curious about the process.

So Jane,what lead you to the adoption path?

Jane: Infertility lead us to adoption. I have suffered with endometriosis for 18 years.

What steps did you make to start the adoption process?

Jane: We adopted through the county council and we attended an information even which was an informal chat/presentation by a couple of social workers with a chat from an ex adopter (with free tea coffee and biscuits!) which really bought to light the possibility for us.

Did you have to make any adaptions to your life and home before hand?

Jane: Our local county council deem that if you already have children or wish to adopt siblings that you must have the adequate nunber of bedrooms. My husband had two older children who were of an adult age and didn’t stay over night with us any more so we were fine in our two bed house. Adaptions to life weren’t much different to any other parent to be. It meant being a bit less selfish and things in life would be changing.

Do you get much help and support from adoption charities and groups?

Jane: Every adopter/couple is assigned a social worker and every child has a social worker. We were very lucky with ours and got on with her so well, she was easily approachable and I felt like I could tell her anything so the support from her was amazing & once we were matched with our little girl, her social worker also encouraged as they should do an open door call us anytime type policy. You also have a social worker who makes the match who works along side your own and your child’s social workers. Post adoption wise there are e mails and numbers to call any time and also workshops to attend dealing with child specific issues such as approaching the subject of social media for pre teens and teens, any behavioural issues etc but they definitely don’t turn their back on you once you have adopted. Visits remain for an average of 6 months after adoption depending on the case.

How did the selection process go on matching George and yourself with L?

Jane: There is a matching social worker who works constantly to make matches between child and adopters within the district. you get a call, you get sent an e mail with details of the child and if you wish to proceed, you are interviewed by the child’s social worker with your own social worker present in your home. Your own profile and the child’s profile has an enormous amount of detail ‘re laying back to your own childhood relationships personalities lifestyle finances etc so it’s not a basic matching process it’s very detailed and in depth.

What was it like starting motherhood with L being 1 rather than a newborn?

Jane: Our daughter was about 20 months when we were matched and it took a few months before we started visitations so she was 2 when we met. A tricky age for many to adapt to, let alone to start your journey as a new parent during the terrible 2s! She was very independent so we had to take some of that independence back and try and bond with her at the same time. In some of the workshops we attended for becoming a new parent to a toddler they suggested things to help bond but our little girl wasn’t very affectionate and didn’t like being cuddled for ages etc so we bonded by attending swimming classes & groups. it allowed skin to skin for her and I and she had to relinquish some independence and rely on me and trust me so it was a great way to do that.

Have you faced any particularly hard hurdles?

Jane: The hardest hurdle for me was bonding with her when she was so fiercly independent and not affectionate. she would cuddle and then say ‘that’s enough mummy’ after about 3 minutes. we soon overcame it but it’s an emotional and tumultuous time as it is, 2 year olds are naturally stuck between that rock and a hard place where they have a vocab but can’t articulate their feelings and it was all the more harder for her because she had been through so much. starting parenting at 2 is certainly not for the faint hearted but equally our little girl was a great sleeper so I think I probably would have struggled with a younger baby who would give me the experience of feeding holding etc but that didn’t sleep!

There’s a bit of stigma in adoption. Did you receive any judgement?

Jane: I was lucky enough not to receive judgement from anyone really. we had a great support network around us but people do just ask questions that are blunt AF but you soon kind of just answer and carry on. They don’t mean it badly or personally to offend it’s just not the most common thing so people get fascinated and ask the most random questions that pop into their head.

Does L know she’s adopted?

Jane: Our daughter does know she’s adopted, we don’t talk about it daily but we’ve had books out the library about adoption and she is starting to ask more questions more frequently since starting school and getting older. One in front of the bank manager once….”I didn’t come out of your tummy did I ?”

What has been your favourite part of motherhood?

Jane: Teaching her new things, swimming, riding a bike, helping her to achieve things, read, write etc I love reading to her, She is an amazing little girl and I’m so proud of her for overcoming a diverse start to her life.

You can find more information at the following supporters;

• Adoption UK
• After Adoption

* Names changed for security and legal reasons

**Janes daughter name and face is hidden for legal reasons

Talking to Teen Mom UK’s Amber Butler

Hey Everyone!

So today I had the pleasure of interviewing MTV Teen Mom UK’s Amber Butler from Blackpool on being a contributor to Teen Mom UK and a mum to toddler Brooklyn. I was excited to find out what she has been up to since we last saw her on our screens!

ME: Hi Amber, so how old were you when you fell pregnant with Brooklyn? How did you find it and how did you feel?

AMBER:  I was 16, I found out I was pregnant the day before my 17th birthday which is the 7th June, it was really shocking and surprising because I had so much going on at the time with work, attending college, living with my mum etc I didn’t know what to do. Then me and Ste (Brooklyn’s father) sat down and had a chat about everything and we decided to go through with the pregnancy as we thought we was ready, I’ve always been against abortions. I was then super excited with our choice!

ME: As a fellow teen mum it was scary finding out I was 18 and pregnant but more so that I had to tell my mum and dad. How did you tell your parents?

AMBER:  Well, telling my parents and other family members was the worst part. They thought I wasn’t ready so hearing that was hard but I told them I was. They were all very supportive in the end, they have helped me out so much when I was struggling financially and everything!

ME: Brooklyn is such a lovely and unique name! What was your inspiration? Did you have any girls names you liked?

AMBER: I kinda liked the name Brooklyn because of the Beckhams! I’m proper into unshakable names. If I was to ever have a little girl she would be names Tiara-Rose as I thinks it’s such a cute sweet name!

ME: What attracted you to apply to be on Teen Mum UK 🇬🇧?

AMBER: To be honest I really just wanted to show motherhood and my parenting skills off to the world. I wanted to see how other people would judge my parenting as I thought I was useless and not doing it right but ever since everyone says that I’m doing brilliantly and I try my best being a single mum etc, which is super nice!

ME: In the first season we saw the ups and downs of co-parenting. What advice would you give to other co-parents?

AMBER: The advice I would give to other parents who co-parent would be to just try your best, not everyone’s perfect but it takes time, you need to put your differences aside and look after your child as you want the best for them. There’s nothing more than just trying your best!

ME: I hated going to baby groups after a few nasty experiences with bitchy judgmental older mum. Did you have any similar problems or any other judgement?

AMBER:  It’s horrible that, yes I have it when you see other mums looking at you weirdly and judging you but I ignore it. He’s my child at the end of the day and I’ll look after him the way I want, if he’s being naughty then yes he needs to know that he’s being naughty, if he’s being good then yes I’ll give him a cuddle, kiss, high five, teach him from right from wrong.

ME: What brands do you like to dress Brooklyn in? Where do you shop for his clothes etc.

AMBER:  I always try to make him look trendy, I know he’s not an accessory or a doll but I like to keep him looking nice. I usually shop in River Island kids, JD Sport, Instagram shops or Mamas and Papas!

ME: What’s your favourite part of motherhood?

AMBER: My favourite part of motherhood is all of it! These past 2 years have been a roller coaster of enjoyment, stress, happiness  but I wouldn’t change it for the world! I have so much many things to look forward to such as teachings Brooklyn to ride a bike, potty training, progressing on his speech, swimming and so much more!

ME: And lastly what should we expect to see in the new season of Teen Mum UK? 🇬🇧

AMBER: In the new season of Teen Mom UK you will expect to see just ME. I’m as real as it gets! You will see mine and Stes relationship being so much more relaxed and calm which is nice! I also go on a few dates with a boy who I liked. And just being a mother to my beautiful son really!

 

You can see Amber, Ste and Brooklyn in Teen Mom UK on MTV starting season 2 on the 26th of July 8pm YAY!